This is now the 5th week of being off work on sick leave. In this time I have changed pain medications, going off high dosage of Paracetamol/Codine (equivalent to 15mg of morphine per day) for 3 months. With the past 2 months of slowly reducing that dosage and replacing it with a non addictive drug called Gabapentin. I also now am on 2 different antidepressant drugs. One mainly to help me sleep, as for most of this year I have been only able to get 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep each night, as I was waking up each time I moved due to the pain.
Monthly Archives: November 2012
My wife, Michelle and I were very thankful yesterday as my dad and Michelle’s dad came over to put up the pool fence around our spa.
My thoughts wandered and this made me feel a little sad today.
As I was unsteadily got up from my chair with the aid of my walking stick to make some lunch, I thought back to the time when things were easier. Times when driving a car, doing things around the house, going to work, even tying my own shoe laces was something I just took for granted.
Last night we had our friends (although they are like family to us) come over for Tacos and Monopoly. Oh, and also to take both our daughters for a ride on one of their motorbikes, which they anxiously wait for each time we get together.
Well, what next?
My eyesight is being affected by the medications that I am currently on. I have had glasses for reading, but have noticed now that when wearing them they don’t seem to help much unless I hold what I am reading a lot closer. Everything else around me now seems a little blurry too. I am hoping that this will pass in time. But if not, then who knows……..
It’s just not fair….or is it?
People say to me “it’s just not fair that you should be going through this” and you know, they may be right.
One thing that I have learnt over my years, is that things happen for a reason. While it may not make sense at the time, if you looked back over the past years at things that happens to you, either good or bad, how has that changed you? Are you better or are you worse for it?
I learnt over a few years ago that communication is the key to any marriage. My wife and I went through a few days where our marriage was on rocky ground. Thankfully for us both, our family and close friends were very supportive. We were able to realise that as time went on in our marriage, other things had taken over our lives and this resulted in a lack of communication between us both.
Yes, I am still learning, learning to ask for help when I need it. I find this hard to do at the best of times. I’ve always been someone who has done pretty much everything by myself and not been one to share my troubles, even with my wife.
Asking for help, I think is probably one of the most hardest things for men to do, especially when it’s mental or emotional. Going to the doctor even just for an annual check up, isn’t something that most men do. So when it is for emotional or mental help, most men would just run the other way, saying “it’s alright, I’m ok, it’ll pass” or “I’m a man, I can’t get emotional, I’ve just got to be stronger”.
So, what am I doing for now you may ask. Well, I am going to continue to write about what I am going through, posting it here. This, I hope will encourage others who are going through something similar to keep going no matter what challenges may lay ahead.
For me, each and everyday is a struggle, I now need a walking stick to help me walk and to help lessen the pain when trying to stand up. All the medications make me drowsy, I feel like I am in some sort of a daze and my vision most of the time is a little blurry. The pain is constant and each time I move it makes it worse. Stairs, now become a challenge and take a lot of concentration just so that I don’t fall. Lucky for us, we built a lowest house and only have one step to worry about.
Thursday, 25th October and everything crashes around me. This day was to be the first of two days that everything finally caught up with me. The realisation that the pain that I am going through is not going to get any better, but most likely will get worse as time goes on. Sleeping for me over the past year has been maybe four or five hours each night and now recently only two or three hours, all these of broken sleep.
I was a mess, tears streaming down my face, I texted my wife, Michelle and told her that I think I’ve just about had enough. Her support and love has gotten me this far.
Called the doctors and arranged an appointment to see a different GP as my normal doctor was away. The appointment was for later that afternoon. Now I was on antidepressants to help me through each day and on sick leave for a week. An appointment to see my normal doctor was made for Wednesday the following week.