I never look forward to Mondays, or Sunday nights for that matter. Not because it’s the start of the new week. Or for the fact that Michelle and the girls will be at work and school during the day, leaving me at home alone.
But because late Sunday night I go through withdrawals, as I come off the narcotic drug which I have needed to be on for the weekend or sometimes just for Sunday. A drug, just so that I can bear the increased pain of sitting, standing and walking as a result of going to church, the wanting to be social and trying to have a ‘normal’ life/weekend like everyone else.
Firstly, a big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to stop by and read my blog. I started writing about my journey dealing with Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD) back in late November 2012. Mostly to help me deal with the changes that this has placed both on my life and my family’s lives. But also as an inspiration to those of you who struggle with chronic pain, or anything else for that matter.
If you would like to have a better understanding of my journey, how it has changed me and what I have to deal with each and every day. Then please, read all my posts in chronological order from where it all started – Everything Crashes Around Me
I do have to laugh when I catchup with some people who I haven’t seen for a year or more. They see me walking ever so slowly and ask me what’s wrong? Most of them remember that I have had a bad back for some time. But the funniest time was when I recently saw a friend who we hadn’t seen for about a year. After explaining how things have gotten worse and that there is no fix for my back, he says “oh, so you really did have a sore back.”
This is now the 5th week of being off work on sick leave. In this time I have changed pain medications, going off high dosage of Paracetamol/Codine (equivalent to 15mg of morphine per day) for 3 months. With the past 2 months of slowly reducing that dosage and replacing it with a non addictive drug called Gabapentin. I also now am on 2 different antidepressant drugs. One mainly to help me sleep, as for most of this year I have been only able to get 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep each night, as I was waking up each time I moved due to the pain.
My thoughts wandered and this made me feel a little sad today.
As I was unsteadily got up from my chair with the aid of my walking stick to make some lunch, I thought back to the time when things were easier. Times when driving a car, doing things around the house, going to work, even tying my own shoe laces was something I just took for granted.
It’s just not fair….or is it?
People say to me “it’s just not fair that you should be going through this” and you know, they may be right.
One thing that I have learnt over my years, is that things happen for a reason. While it may not make sense at the time, if you looked back over the past years at things that happens to you, either good or bad, how has that changed you? Are you better or are you worse for it?
Thursday, 25th October and everything crashes around me. This day was to be the first of two days that everything finally caught up with me. The realisation that the pain that I am going through is not going to get any better, but most likely will get worse as time goes on. Sleeping for me over the past year has been maybe four or five hours each night and now recently only two or three hours, all these of broken sleep.
I was a mess, tears streaming down my face, I texted my wife, Michelle and told her that I think I’ve just about had enough. Her support and love has gotten me this far.
Called the doctors and arranged an appointment to see a different GP as my normal doctor was away. The appointment was for later that afternoon. Now I was on antidepressants to help me through each day and on sick leave for a week. An appointment to see my normal doctor was made for Wednesday the following week.